Erik Duda is Funny

Socialism is the ism

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 21:17:00 -0500

My friend sent me a guide to help aid one in knowing whether or not they are a Socialist. Enjoy the hard work he put into this matter.

If you play basketball, and you pass the ball to a teammate so that he or she may score instead of you, you are very likely a socialist.

If someone asks you to contribute to a canned food drive to benefit a homeless shelter’s soup kitchen, you are not a socialist if you reply: “If those homeless people want soup, why don’t they go buy it themselves?”

If you are drinking beer with your good buddy Jeff on a fishing trip and Jeff finishes all his beer and asks you for one of yours, you are not a socialist if you calmly but firmly explain to Jeff that you are there for camaraderie, not socialism.

If your spouse asks you to go to the store to buy a jar of Newman’s Own marinara sauce, and you see on the label that a portion of the proceeds will go to benefit charity – including a summer camp for disabled children – you are not a socialist if you buy Prego instead, explaining to your spouse that you are not some kind of frigging socialist.

If you work in a hospice, and an elderly patient falls down, if you help them back up, then you have forced socialism on someone in the twilight of their life.

If you are a Union soldier in the Civil War who has a biscuit and you and another soldier are very hungry and you share some of your biscuit with the other solider, then you had better hope President Lincoln doesn’t find out. He hates socialism.

If a child on a swing asks you to give them a push because they cannot create enough force to make the swing swing on their own, push them off the swing and berate them for asking you to engage in socialism.

If your teenaged son or daughter asks for you to co-sign a loan so that he or she may afford a car, don’t hold back your tears –no one wants to have raised a socialist.

If you are in church and you drop money into the collection plate, then God says to himself: “Uh oh, we got ourselves a socialist here.”

If you work at a bank, and a young couple comes in to ask for a loan to buy a home, and you ask them why they can’t just pay for it themselves and they say it’s because they don’t have enough money, you are not a socialist if you call the police and tell them that socialists are trying to rob your bank.

If it is Thanksgiving and your mother asks you to pass the turkey and you do not respond by saying: “Why don’t you get up, walk over here and get it yourself, you socialist welfare queen?” then that means you are probably a socialist.

If it is the winter and you lose your job and cannot pay your heating bill, and you do not apply for unemployment benefits, you are not a socialist. Freezing to death is preferable to socialism.

Puppets are hilarious!

Sun, 27 Nov 2011 22:02:23 -0500

Puppets are hilarious!

An Inside-Look at my method to joke writing

Mon, 10 Oct 2011 15:40:03 -0400

Open 5 different word documents categorizing the type of funny idea it is.

Time spent sparing into space = 80%

Time spent actually writing in those documents = 10%

Time spent thinking whether I should stop and masturbate = 10%

Moneyball was an awesome movie! Definitely check it out this...

Sat, 24 Sep 2011 11:48:05 -0400

Moneyball was an awesome movie! Definitely check it out this weekend! Exclamation point!

Sometimes I say things that are funny. Like when I performed at...

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 08:31:38 -0400

Sometimes I say things that are funny. Like when I performed at Comix at Foxwoods Resort Casino in Connecticut. Regardless of the fact that I brought 30 people to the show, there was still 200 total audience members. Definitely my biggest crowd yet! Performing jokes in front of my Grandpa was probably the most difficult part…

Bored to Death season 3 is back October 10th on HBO. It’s...

Thu, 15 Sep 2011 18:46:47 -0400

Bored to Death season 3 is back October 10th on HBO. It’s hilarious! This clip will convince you to pay the $20 a month for HBO.

You should definitely check out this british comedy, Peep Show....

Wed, 14 Sep 2011 22:04:51 -0400

You should definitely check out this british comedy, Peep Show. After watching the entire series on YouTube it quickly moved into my top tv shows of all time. Check it out! All 5 of my followers!

“How do I feel about the new Chili Peppers album?” -...

Sun, 04 Sep 2011 18:32:57 -0400

“How do I feel about the new Chili Peppers album?” - Question nobody asked. Umm they won’t be as good without Frusciante, but this song is dope!

I’m hosting a comedy show tomorrow night at Joker’s...

Thu, 01 Sep 2011 20:28:18 -0400

I’m hosting a comedy show tomorrow night at Joker’s Wild in New Haven, CT. The show starts at 8PM. I hope you’re as excited as I am. Send some more gigs my way!

My new business cards are dope! Autograph edition. I guess they...

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 18:26:16 -0400

My new business cards are dope! Autograph edition. I guess they could be my rookie card too? These will increase my comedy bookings tenfold!

I think I saw this poster at LensCrafters in the hipster...

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 18:15:00 -0400

I think I saw this poster at LensCrafters in the hipster section

I hosted at the Hartford Funny Bone in Connecticut a couple...

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 16:04:00 -0400

I hosted at the Hartford Funny Bone in Connecticut a couple weeks ago. I showed up thinking I was going to perform for 10 minutes and the manager said, “no you’re doing that anddd hosting.” Even though I was not prepared at all to take that on… I said “awesome!” I think it’s pretty fun to host because you can always redeem yourself the next time you get up to perform a segue. Those segue jokes also come in handy during life situations. At the same time it’s pretty awkward to read ads in between sets. Oh, here’s a segue joke, “I like coming on stage to perform for a minute and then getting a 10 minute break, this is a lot like my sex life, I perform for a minute and then I need a break before round 2”

A few recent bits.

Tue, 02 Aug 2011 16:24:37 -0400

A few recent bits.

"I put a new bulb in a lamp with incorrect wattage and the bulb died instantly. I feel like I just..."

Tue, 02 Aug 2011 16:23:08 -0400

“I put a new bulb in a lamp with incorrect wattage and the bulb died instantly. I feel like I just performed an abortion: he wasn’t even born yet…”